Serbia and Paper Bullets

2008-01-12T22:48:50Z

Last night, I checked my emails and saw I had been selected to go to Serbia in the spring. I'm pretty excited about it, but when I told mum, she pretty much bombarded me with "how are you going to pay for it?" I hate thinking about money, because it's a pretty touchy subject in American culture, and no one really wants to discuss something that personal. However, mum's presence is guilting me about my travel expenses. There's Beijing, too, and I have to apply for it, as well. I can't really get much in the way of financial aid, because my parents make a pretty reasonable income for a Seattle family, but we're not extremely well to do, and Beijing's going to set us back about 4000 USD. It frustrates me so much, because I have all these opportunities to do amazing things and go to amazing places, yet money stands in the way almost constantly. Mum says I'll probably have to forfeit the DC trip with school over spring break, and as much as I hate to do it, I might as well, because DC...it's just on the opposite coast-I'll have plenty of chances to go, right? I spoke to a friend about the whole thing this morning via text messages; she thinks getting rid of the DC trip is the best way, because she was in that situation last year.

Anyway, that's my rant. Really boring and flustering, I know.

On to more teenager-y issues.

I finished Paper Bullets the night I recieved it in the mail, which was either Monday or Tuesday. Believe me, I was wicked excited, but that's a testament to my book nerd-ish self, yes? I can pretty much say it's the best book I've read in a long while, and it' s a "fictional autobiography" about a Hapa boy growing up and just coming to terms with himself. Life's hard out there for us Eurasians, even though it may seem we have the best of both worlds.

And we do, truly. I can say with the utmost confidence I'm extremely proud of my heritage, even when there are the pitfalls of expectations. It doesn't apply to just Hapas, though. Anyone who feels the tension between compromising themselves with another issue can relate. It's good not to be the only one, and I don't think anyone likes to be alone.

I certainly don't, unless I just need some time to clear my head with my words and with my music.

But you start to think about whether or not you'll be alone for the rest of your life, and I've decided I don't. I don't want to be dependent upon someone, but I do want someone to always be there, not clingingly. This in turn starts to make me think about whom I'll marry or have a relationship with, which is pretty daunting when I remember I'm only sixteen. So, being sixteen, there are other things I can contemplate relating to that. Like...guys.

I recently decided I prefer Asian guys, and yes, there are very few fitting my criteria, but isn't it the same for any boy regardless of race? I had a joking conversation with another Hapa friend about how SAT scores matter; it was interesting to finally here myself setting some form of criteria.

Sorry to bore you guys, but that's what's on my mind at the moment. Have a good weekend!

love_antigone

Serbia and Paper Bullets